Success

Success shouldn't just be about what other people say and think about you, but how you feel about yourself. I've always felt this way, but it's also easier said than done. Here's a little history about me:

When I first started to audition I spent about 3 years going to every audition I possibly could to try and get work and get my foot in the door. I ended up doing a few shows and random gigs. I started to notice that I wasn't being picked based on my height. Looking back I'm sure it was also other things: my look wasn't quite right, I'm not that flexible, I'm a good dancer but not great, and as a singer I'm more rock/musical theater than pop. I started to realize that this didn't make me a bad person or performer, it was just fact and that's ok. I got to be in 4 paid shows, and I'm happy about those experiences :)

I also got to work with a few cover bands. These were good experiences as well, though I found that I didn't really enjoy it that much. When I had to sing a few days in a row, I would start to lose my voice. This has always happened to me when I've had to sing a lot or been under stress from performance. I would also have to sing songs I truly hated, which as a performer we have to sometimes perform to music we don't like. I understand this, but I really don't like pop so it's hard for me to enjoy it or get into it.

When I got my first go go job at Jet Nightclub I was ecstatic. There were 3 rooms to dance in and everyone wanted to be in the hip hop rooms so I would always get to dance in the house (techno) room. I really enjoyed it and felt like I was finally enjoying myself. They took away the dancers in the house room, so I had to start learning to dance to hip hop. I already knew a little, but it helped that 4 dancers were always in the room so I would watch and learn that way.

Long story short that was the first job I was fired from, and I was devastated. I found out over time that Vegas was like that: hiring new dancers and firing them for any reason they saw fit. I ended up working many other venues and was fired from most of them, not really feeling like I had a home and doing those shows/bands as I did this.

I randomly auditioned for Excalibur bout 3 years ago from a craigslist posting. The casino itself was doing the audition, which is very rare, and I almost didn't go because of that. Also, the pay was lower than I was used it, but I went anyway. I was chosen, and slowly started to fall in love with the party pit at Excalibur. Another long story short my current agent is now the middle man for that pit, and I'm there to this day.

A few years ago after the a show I was in closed, I asked myself what I really wanted and what really was making me happy. I found out that it was my current agent's loyalty to giving me constant go go work, and the pit at Excalibur. At first I thought this was strange and asked myself why I liked go go over my many years of training to be a professional singer/dancer/actress. Then I realized that the reason didn't matter and that I should just do what made me happy. I tried to do what I had originally set out to do, and in many ways I had accomplished that. So why dwell on getting that next show/gig? Why not just be happy and feel successful with what I already have?

Today I sometimes miss doing the professional show work, but most of the time I don't. I would have to do other people's choreography, and dance/sing to music I sometimes dislike for many days/months at a time...all for less pay than a day's work of go go. So I don't get the prestige of being in a show...SO WHAT! And anyway what is with the idea that go go dancing is such a low form of entertainment? It doesn't have to be! It depends on the dancer and how much they do.

The point is that I feel I'm very successful in life, no matter what other people say or think about it, and I'm more happy than I've almost ever been doing go go. Sometimes I do dance to music I don't like, but only for minutes at a time and I take it as a challenge and get to choreograph it the way I like. Most of the time I deal with dirty looks and people judging me, but who cares what they think! I don't know them, so their opinions shouldn't matter to me. What is most important is how I feel about it, and I'm going to stay true to myself and do what I love :)

On another note, it does help to every once in a while get nice, honest compliments and I got many of those last night. I feel very lucky to work a job where I feel appreciated by my fellow employees who tell me they are glad to see me and that I always do a great job on stage (Excalibur has more of a stage than a go go box). This is also why I'm falling in love with the Pleasure Pit at PH. The girls and pit bosses are so fun and sweet, and always telling me they are happy to see me. Well I'm happy to see you to, and I'm proud to be a go go dancer for party pits, and I'll do it for as long as I can :)

To me, this is true success :)

Stability

So after I posted my first blog I had a series of texts between a friend of mine discussing stability. Because of this conversation, I started thinking to myself wait a second...does anyone EVER feel stable? I then realized that I think stability is a little like happiness: something you work for but never truly attain. If that's true than we need to approach it with caution and a little more understanding. We all have ups and downs with both happiness and stability, just like we also do with daily feelings. We'll never hit a perfect point where we'll feel we're right at the top for a long period of time. Anything could happen to change how we feel about each situation we approach in life.

So it's really up to US to make ourselves feel comfortable. It's our mindset that creates our environment, just like staying more positive than negative can create better days for us. So I we all need to be true to ourselves about what we really need in life to feel happy, stable, and productive, and do those things. Some things you can control, and some things you can't. The things you can't control you need to try to let go of. Easier said than done, right? definitely. But we can at least TRY to let it go, or focus on trying to slowly let it go. Then it will be easier to take when the bad comes around, and you'll also cherish what you have more while you have it.

For me, it's worrying about losing a job. I think this is something most people think about, and not just entertainers. As a go go dancer, I have to re-audition for my job, and am constantly being scrutinized by my superiors. Now, I can either worry and focus on this, or I can try to let it go and just enjoy what I have while I have it. I already know I do a good job, and that I'm consistently looking at and working on myself. Why should I poison that with worry and doubt? It's only hurting me. No matter how good of an actress I am it will come through in my aura and dancing, and that may contribute to me losing my job sooner!

So I'm going to take my own advice and go to work knowing that I'm very lucky (which I've always felt), and not focusing on the negative that someday I'm going to lose my job, one way or another. Instead, I want to enjoy it while it lasts :)

Uncertainty

As a performer, there is always a wariness and uncertainty that lingers in the back, and sometimes front of the mind. Am I where I'm supposed to be? What can I expect next? Will I keep my job? Many performers choose to keep a handful of jobs/agencies so that they can feel secure and/or have something to fall back on. Others choose to be loyal to one job for a while, then move to another if something does happen. I've done it both ways. Being more open to many jobs serves to help create more opportunities/creative outlets, but it's also very busy and can be stressful. It can also feel unstable, and sometimes you can go with no work, then be bombarded with tons of work at once. In the past few years I chosen to stick with one company who gives me consistent work. I've found it nice that for once in my performer life I can feel somewhat stable, and I've been very happy with this.

Then I had a little of an awaking moment recently. Nothing set in stone, nothing really bad happened, but just woke up a little as if from a dream of perfection. I didn't feel secure for a moment and felt kinda empty, and have been thinking to myself, why? I have it really good at this point in my life, so I tried to ignore it. Then I realized that even tho I've done so much for the company I currently work for, you still never know what could happen, and as a performer should always brace yourself for the worst. I've been trying to look at it in a positive way, even tho it's a negative assumption, and it's been helping a little. I'm staying calm since nothing has happened and I'm just being paranoid. lol. Still, I feel I'm thinking in the right way, which is to never take anything for granted. I thought I wasn't, but I find that I was a little again, being a little selfish in thinking I will probably always get what I want, but that's a horrible way to think. Not that I was completely thinking that way, but I was a little, and I think even a little is too much.

As a performer, NOTHING is set in stone, and most of the time, no one has your back. You have to be confident and strong on your own, and know what you want and go for it!

I always used to write in a blog to help ease my mind about my feelings, and I think it will help me again. Here's to the first post of many :)